Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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