This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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