the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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