So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
