Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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