I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
