Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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