2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
