Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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