Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
where am i from again
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
