I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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