maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
