I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
