The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
