i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Let's get the cat blown out
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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