after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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