So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
