when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
