Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
