I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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