She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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