well I can't set my house on fire every night
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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