i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Can I color on your dick again?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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