my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
