Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
