OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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