Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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