Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
