Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
