sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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