I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
