I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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