Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
