i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
