I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
