Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
