accomplished twins. life is a go
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
