shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
