Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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