I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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