Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
