Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
