My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
