i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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