Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
