Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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