I faked an abortion last night.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
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Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
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Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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