I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
