I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
