i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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