I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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