Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
