i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
