Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
