just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
